As students return to school remotely this fall, something that many parents have already heard about – online bullying – is a hot topic. More than one in five U.S. students have identified bullying in their own lives. From books and movies to tv shows and song lyrics, harrowing stories about online bullying are highlighted throughout news and entertainment. One type of bullying that gets less press however is bullying in friendships.

My own personal experience with this type of close personal bullying by people I called my friends served as a catalyst for writing the book Bully Friends. Bully Friends is written for young adults and includes a checklist to help identify bully friends or whether you yourself are a bully friend. In the book, I share my own experiences with bully friends during my school years in the suburbs of Detroit, Michigan, and give readers advice on how to stop these bullies in their tracks. Interactive activities throughout the book help readers reflect on their own friendships and bullying experiences.

Seven tips on identifying virtual bully friends and how to stop them

  1. My friend makes mean comments about me – One of the biggest forms of online bullying is via social media. From sharing uncomfortable information or photos to making mean comments on personal posts or gossiping via chain texts – young people have so many ways to communicate with one another. Whatever way you’re communicating – the rules of bullying are the same. If your friend shares personal information with others without your permission, makes mean comments about you, or generally disrespects you and your opinions in front of others, they may be a bully friend.

  2. I feel judged by my friend – If you are constantly worried about how your friend will ‘judge’ a social media post or something personal you’ve shared in an email or text, they might be a bully friend. Healthy friendships are built on trust and respect and we should be excited to share our personal thoughts and feelings with our friends, without fear of judgment. Online bullying from strangers is a huge issue for all users, but virtual abuse from friends hits even closer to home.

  3. My friend is controlling – If your friend gives you a lot of advice or strict rules on what you should or should not share online, responds negatively when you comment on others posts or make new friends, he or she may be a bully friend. While we should want our friends to share their thoughts and feelings with us, an overwhelming desire to control a friend’s behavior or decisions – whether in person or online – is not healthy.

  4. My friend teases me for my beliefs – Friends accept us for who we are – no matter where we live, what we believe in, where our families come from, or what we hope and dream. Some light teasing is usual for all friend groups, but a friend who posts critically and publicly online about your personal beliefs, religion, race, gender, sexual orientation, or more is not a good friend.

  5. I am scared of my friend – If you are scared about where or when the next ‘virtual attack’ may come from, you may be being bullied by your friend. If that negativity comes online or via texting or email it can be just as harmful as physical or in-person bullying.

  6. My friend dismisses my concerns – Everyone makes mistakes. If your friend shares something you are uncomfortable with online, talk to them about it. A good friend will apologize and stop and if requested remove or take down comments posted online. If not, he or she may be a bully.

             By: Kelechi ‘Kay Kay’ Uchendu, author of Bully Friends

Kelechi Uchendu, Author, Bully Friends and Founder/CEO, Kay Kay’s World LLC

Kelechi ‘Kay Kay’ Uchendu is the founder and CEO of Kay Kay’s Fashion, which has been featured in British Vogue. She is the author of a new non-fiction book for young readers, Bully Friends that highlights a major source of childhood bullying not often covered by media. Through personal examples from her own childhood growing up in Detroit, Kay Kay teaches young adults how to identify ‘bully friends’ and how not to be one themselves. A graduate of Michigan State University, Vermont Law school, and LIM College, Kay Kay visited every continent in the world (including Antarctica) before the age of 22. She launched her own fashion brand at the age of 24. Follow Kay Kay on Instagram at @kaykaysway92 and visit kaykaysway.com. Purchase Bully Friends on Amazon.